I do things purposely sometimes so I don't get hurt. I don't like getting hurt. Yet, here I am, getting kicked in the ass again. Everyday I feel more and more emo. I think a girlfriend doesn't make me feel better, just makes me feel worse. I do things purposely so I don't see the truth. So I don't have to face this horrible truth that is right in front of me.

I've always told myself not to be optimistic. To set my goals and my dreams and my hopes to the lowest level so if I ever achieve higher I am happy. And if I was to achieve what I thought was to be the lowest, I would be fine. Although I've taught myself to think like this, I have to say, I will think optimistic this time. I will wait, I will have patience for once in my life. I find you to be worth it all. I don't think I've ever been this patient. I just want to know that everything will be okay. I just want to know that you care as much as you say you do. I just want to know that you try to make time to talk and be with me. Words are one thing, but actions are another. They go hand in hand. I'm waiting for the actions to start.

<3 Harrison

I’ve been thinking of you, 
”Oh so” long, 
Through out the long day, 
I’ve been missing you, 
Constantly, 
Nonstop, 
I’ve been wanting to talk to you, 
More and More, 
As we are apart, 
Thoughts of you, 
Race through my mind, 
Left to right, 
Bottom to top, 
I can’t seem to stop thinking of you, 
I can’t seem to stop missing you, 
I sit at home, 
Lazily in my chair, 
I think of your face, 
I think of your eyes, 
I think of your smile, 
I think of you. 
You lurk my mind, 
You maim my life, 
You make me wonder, 
You make me stare, 
I try to move on, 
I try to picture life, 
Without you. 
It is impossible,  
To even imagine life,  
Without you.  
It is scary to believe, 
I can't even survive, 
Without you. 
Wishing I could play my piano,  
Wishing I could play my guitar, 
Wishing I could play anything just for you. 
As I lay here thinking of us,  
Lovely notes, 
of an “oh so” lovely song, 
play through my head.   
The notes play, 
The music sings, 
I love the sound,  
I love the words, 
But; 
More importantly, 
I love the thoughts, 
the “oh so” lovely thoughts, 
of just,  
you and me.

Nothing is wrong?

So I hope everything will go well on my check up about two weeks at M.D. Anderson. I don't know what I should expect. Maybe they'll say the stuff in my lung is just an infection or maybe its going to be another tumor. That would suck. My friend that is acupunturist says that my blood isn't flowing right and he feels that the stuff in my lungs are weird. He also says my adrenal glands aren't functioning to their fullest potential but my liver is getting better. Hopefully nothing is wrong, because if I go through chemo again or go through radiation, I would rather jump off a cliff.

At this point in time, all I can do is hope.

Wishing I could play my piano,
As I lay here thinking of us,
Lovely notes of a lovely song play through my head, 
I love the sound, 
I love the words,
More importantly,
I love the thoughts of you and me.